Monday, September 01, 2008
weary
After 5 weeks of school,I'm starting to wonder whether I'm really cut out for uni life. I'm really struggling though I hate to admit it. The pace is frightening and I feel myself getting pushed closer and closer to the edge of the cliff, ready to give up. That is a friggin' scary thought. I'm afraid I'll breakdown sooner or later.
I remember just last Monday night, I was wondering when this Monday would come, not that I was looking forward to it. Now it's THIS MONDAY.
OMG!
Time is flying by, ticking down to the exams. I'm worried sick, not because I haven't been studying, but because I'm wondering how much studying would be considered enough.
I enjoyed my poly life, true there were ups n downs. I actually enjoyed going to school and seeing my friends everyday. Lessons were bearable, days passed quickly and exams were a challenge. This does not seem to be the case for uni. I cringe at the thought of going to school and I've to literally drag myself out of bed and convince myself that it's all worth the effort. There is no "usual" group of friends having lessons with me, eating and chatting together and supporting each other. My days seem filled with sorrow, whether it's self induced or not I am unsure. One thing for sure, I'm feeling miserable.
I'm contemplating many things; such as changing course, giving up and starting work instead or even enrolling in another school. I dunno whether I'm reacting this way because I'm trying to look for an easy way out but these thoughts have crossed my mind recently. However, I jolly well know that giving up my place would probably mean never ever stepping into NTU again because the competition would be worse in the coming years. What a dilemma! Also, giving up would be a disgrace, announcing to everyone that I'm cannot-make-it, bey gan and people would be sniggering. Trust me, they will be. Not only that, I'll be disappointing my close friends and family members.
I've also noticed something. In recent months, I seem to be getting weak-willed and would tremble in the face of difficulty. I can't explain why I feel this way and this really scares me. A little setback and I feel like giving up. No fighting spirit present at all. Is this my threshold? Am I really not suitable for a uni education? I really have no mood to study anymore. Maybe working really seems like a better option. I really dunno, my mind is in a mess, I feel like shit, I have no confidence in myself, I feel like crying.
help...help...help
so he said @
8:18 PM
